A Letter to my dead grandmother

 Dadi... 

Childhood. 

I was told that all the good people who dies, find their home in the clouds ... And when people asked me why am I causing enormous pain on my nape, gazing at an evening sky for empty long hours, I said... 

"I am looking for my Dadi. 

She lives there".

Dear Dadi, 

Somewhere, concealed from everyone, is a place where I still keep your belongings.   Priceless memories, vivid and vague. Memories which drowns me in guilt.  Memories that elates me with cuddles. 

I have nothing but memories.

.....like your eyes that said a million things I couldn't comprehend, that smeared kajal of your suffering and loneliness, the dry lips you forgot to embalm, the wrinkled skin and the texture I felt, the soft pastel saree that pleased my eyes, your oily jet black hair emanating the aroma of coconut oil, the mid part you took from the scalp and the way your beautiful loose curls of grey hair touched your cheeks,  the voice of consolation that gave me a sense of content, the little wishes you asked for but we didn't fulfill,  your cornered heart we never searched for, the smell of medicines from your body that annoyed me..... 

Everytime i was visited by these memories, I pitied myself for not even trying to understand you. I know I was just a third grader and yet I feel ashamed when I look at myself thinking about all of this, Forgive me dadi, the only excuse I can serve is that I was just a child, unaware of your silent aches and muted screams. I wish I could relive my memories with you, more pleasantly. 

It was around 02:45 am.  I was sleeping with my sister and a distant cousin. My cousins woke me up, constantly shaking my body said, ""Dadi has left us". I was not in my senses at all. I was feeling sleepy but the thought of your death, panicked me. 

A strange stench of people and burning incense sticks filled the room. Men holding on to their sorrows and women, in the state of hysteria. I watched people, crying, screaming, regrets in their eyes, and some stood still like a stone, devoid of emotions. 

The day you left me, I was devastated. I didn't know what was this feeling but I felt extremely lonely for the first time. Before that, I never knew what death can do to us. I never knew how it feels when someone you love is taken away.  Your death was my first feeling, my very first feeling of loneliness. That was the moment I tasted what melancholy would be like.

I want you to know that I still miss you Dadi. Now as an adult, I wish I could go back in time, fix your sorrows, listen to your every emotion, and make you feel "i will always be there for you". All your life, you struggled. You saved yourself from insomnia and fate chose eternal sleep for you. Now you are sleeping soundly under the blanket of mother nature. I know, that is where you found your peace. 

You are my priceless memory. I will never let go of you.

Yours, 

Estranged granddaughter