Imposter November

"She was a genius of sadness, immersing herself in it, separating its numerous strands, appreciating its subtle nuances. She was a prism through which sadness could be divided into its infinite spectrum."

~Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything is Illuminated

This is not November. 

This is an imposter dressed up in warm radiance. Blue sky, bright sunshine, flowers everywhere, hot wind, too much brightness, too much light. 

But through my retrospective eyes, i see a "No" in this November. 

No gloomy sky. No naked branches.No fallen leaves on the ground.No dusky golden light. 

Have you ever been strangled by your own thoughts? Like something is suffocating you from inside, still you cannot comprehend, cannot overcome the confusion and all of this happens just within the blink of an eye? 

This imposter November is strangling me.Like flashes out of nowhere, I am frequently reminded how broken iam, how the pieces inside me are shattered like a glass and its shards are silently stabbing me to death. I am tirelessly carrying the heaviness, the crushing pain and discomfort i often feel on my neck, which i always wished to be taken away, hewed. My bones are aching, perhaps screaming from inside underneath this pale skin. 

And oh there is a "YOU" hidden in all of this.

The "YOU" that is causing this chaos in my mind. The "YOU" that took a heavy blow on my heart and made it beyond reparable, the "YOU" which brings uncontrollable shivers that leaves by body in electrocution, the "YOU" that makes my lips tremble, the "YOU" that stirs an unwelcoming storm, the "YOU" that blurs my vision with ocean of tears, the "YOU" that takes away breath and leaves me numb, the "YOU" that gives an entirety on "TEN MINUTES OF TORMENTATION".... It is like falling into the abyss with an imperceptible scream. 

I knew, my conscience watched me falling and i couldn't do anything about it. Anything.

Now tell me, how am I supposed to accept this imposter November? How am I supposed to adore the morning sky when the sunshine is not beaming, but piercing my tired eyes? How am I supposed to open my windows when there is no warmness but the sun rays penetrating through my skin, burning me alive? 

Look at me, dressed up like an imposter, smiling through all of this...

PHOTOGRAPHY~ Albarran Cabrera

WORDPLAY~ All me!