Surreal Emotions

“A trickle of silvery moonlight ran down her cheek. “We all drown a little,” she whispered. “That’s how we learn to swim.”

― Michael Faudet, Bitter Sweet Love

Drenching in cold water, drowning in sorrows...

(Prior writing this one, i casually deleted my previous unfinished blog for no particular reason.  I am never alone when i write quite frankly speaking, cigarettes and a warm cup of tea fills my other half,  my solitude.  In times like this i feel truly devote myself to my inner monologues that wishes to just channel out, unhinged.)

When you have always carried something more heavier in your heart, something more of an obscurity that perhaps you were never able to disentangle, you may not sense the best version of yourself and you not only step towards the bathroom for a simple body wash but expects to form an interim redemption. 

                                                                

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You turn on the lights so that the darkness can vanish,. You take your steps forward towards the cold tiles and starts feeling the coldness touching your soles making its way above the feet.  You start undressing yourself.  It is a cold confined place with lights on and yet you feel uneasy to do so.  As you slowly unfasten the warm pieces of clothes, one after the another, the eerie mystifying cold air starts surrounding your body, slowly taking away the left over remnants of warmth.  

You are naked.  Your bare feet kissing the icy cold floor. 

No piece of cloth.  No trace of judgement.  No sliding comments for the way you look.

Just you, your bare naked body.

You thoughtlessly stare at the shower knob and then some driving force moves your hand to turn it.

The Water splashes all over your closed eyes.  You stand there, numb.  You wish not to be  moved at all.  You just breathe and feel the water flowing through your face, like standing in the pouring rain and you don't care for an umbrella at all. 

And then starts the unhinging of surreal emotions and unresolved sorrows.

It is like shattering your brittle thoughts with a sledgehammer and watch the long buried shards splatter all around you, eventually piercing your skin.

The water passionately coalesces with your tears and they become inseparable.  

You frequently keep your hand where the monster dwells.  The rapid beating confuses and scares you.  The scarred monster becomes restless, you breathe heavily and slowly give yourself a warm embrace to endure and escape this cold madness.  You think of the irony when you realize that the very place you thought of ending your life, actually gives you some promising comfort. 

You hold yourself too tightly and allow the cool water to completely drench yourself.

Drenching in cold water, drowning in sorrows.

Your fingertips starts wrinkling and your lips starts trembling.

With your pruney fingers and pale hands, you wash away the dirt and slowly turns the shower knob the other way around.  You wipe your salty reddened eyes and sense a soft beaming fragrance emanating from your skin.

It takes a while to go back to the normal phase but you do it somehow.    

Outside this tiled confinement of cleaning routine awaits your warm tea.

(and who know maybe a pack of cigarettes, a glittery metallic grey journal and a leaky half filled fountain pen!)

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(Pictures belongs to the rightful owner)