Letter to my Estranged Lover

 

May be, in another life ...

(but there's no another life.)

Dearest,

"You may say I'm a dreamer

But I'm not the only one

I hope someday you'll join us

And the world will be as one"

I wanted to start this letter with a John Lennon song called "Imagine".  I recall the day you called me a dreamer and this song starts playing in my head.  I know you are a dreamer too but you flowingly weigh with the practicality, something which i was never able to do so. In my reminiscing time i listen to this song which somehow evokes in me our abandoned love.  At that moment i wish we could have been Lennon and Yoko for eternity but our destiny had different plans.  You must know that I'm wearing down my armor, taking out the strong enduring pieces one by one.  With you and writing, i must attain a state of vulnerability.  

So here I am, saying things that i may never ever tell you in person. 

You once said that I have found my peace.  Then why I is still tremble, collapse to the ground with a tiny flick of our memory?  Why do i sleep empty stomach most of  my nights? Why the pillows in my bedroom remain sogging in tears?  Why do i always come up with unrequited love as my muse?  Why sadness comforts me?  Why a sudden pang of fear and pain presses on my chest?  And you say that I have found my peace.  

I may never find the courage to tell you how it has been the long lonely nights, horror enfolded in darkness, its shadows following me even in daylight.  My hands trembled to apply kajal and smears of mascara.  My scalp ached when i combed my hair.  I tangled, entangled myself and kept on loosing my sanity.  I craved loneliness and detested love songs.  I lost faith in human companionship and god.  I  metamorphosized into a monstrous version of myself, a version i loathe. Like the reverse of a female Frankenstein, putting a beating heart into the dead and once the dead becomes undead, just starting to understand the essence of love and affection, you pierce through the chest and uproot away the beating heart with leftover love...

Maybe you are going through the same adversity.  My apologies.  

I know I'm no one to enquire or sympathize. I know you despise me.  I know you may never read this letter or maybe leave it half read.  Or maybe just throw it away in some bin for the rest of its life. 

One day when we come across each other's path, you may look away and refuse to make an eye contact. Or may be you will stay back for a short banter and walk away like nothing ever existed between us.  Whichever the above situation occurs, you will be Dearest to me, my then-Greek god.

A body of Greek god, star gazing eyes and a lovable mind will always sail through the tempest.

My wishes will always reside with you, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part...   

Yours

Estranged lover.